I feel like my latest post had a bit of an air of understanding about it, and I would like to correct any idea that I know what I’m talking about, as well as explain why it is I say I’m losing my mind.
Correction One: I never actually stated that the reason for that post was that I saw Twenty One Pilots in concert last weekend! Although I have a hard time deciding who my favorite band is, they are definitely high on the list, and the show was incredible. The only problem was, my camera was not allowed at the venue, and my phone pictures did not do it justice. That is the actual reason for what I wrote; I wanted to somehow explain the incredible experience without drawing attention to the fact that I didn’t get a single good photograph.
Correction Two: Please take into account that I am not in a position to give relationship advice. I have never had a boyfriend, and one of my skills is somehow making all of my friends’ boyfriends hate me, so take what I said with a grain of salt. I’m just a girl who really loves music and thinks too much. On that note…
Correction Three: The reason for this post. I have a hard time putting it into words, so I drew a few diagrams.
Maybe we should take a closer look. While most people have a train of thought, mine could better be described as a station with many trains, and some of them going opposite directions on the same track.
Did I mention these tracks are traveling though a forest? It looks a little like this:
I would like to point out that this is not a list of my thoughts throughout the course of a day, but a snapshot. A moment. Everything is all at once. My trains of thought run at the same time and crash into each other. With the track being set too slowly for my main train of thought, both in my head and out loud my thoughts become crushed, and often only sentences and random words can be recovered from the rubble. This is why I write so much, because sometimes context can be created and thoughts reconstructed when I have the time and ability to physically see what it is I’m trying to fix. On top of these trains, random anxieties dot the landscape like trees, and they never go away completely.
Sometimes, things work a little slower, and I feel almost like I might be normal.
Sometimes, everything stops, and I don’t know if that silence is better or worse than the trainwreck. When I’m there, it almost feels relaxing, aside from the fact that I am terrified. I’m afraid that I’ll stay like that forever, even though I know how to make it stop. I know how to think. However, I’m equally afraid of my thoughts going back to how they were. I feel as though I couldn’t handle that amount of pressure. Even though I know how to think, I’m paralyzed and cannot do it.
I can handle it. Even though some days are worse, and some of those days turn into weeks, I don’t want to change. As much as I like to believe that I find change exciting, it worries me. “Worries” is an understatement.
I take pride in not being normal. I’ve been complimented on my creativity, and I feel that’s something I would lose if I were to be “fixed.” I don’t want to lose who I am. Who would I be without my brain, the organ that makes me me?
Maybe I should want change. Maybe I should be brave. Maybe I’m just crazy.
This has been: Corrections.
Short Apology: I am sorry for the strangeness of this post. It’s something that makes me incredibly self-conscious, but I feel like it’s something I should talk about. This has been like therapy for me, thank you. 🙂 Also, I will be back to posting photos soon! I have a couple plans for bigger shoots, and some photographs already taken for my next post. This has been enough over-thinking for a while.